I turned to Kel with a questioning glance. “Do you want to have the discussion I deferred now or later? Are you on a schedule?”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ve withstood many punishments over the years.”
Guilt flared in a hard, awful twinge. “I don’t want to be the reason you get hurt, Kel.”
He shook his head, his smile haunting and melancholy in the dying light. “Don’t concern yourself with my fate. It will not change, however much I wish it.”
That sounded ominous. But he turned away, shoulders toward the door, making it clear he was uninterested in pursuing the conversation right then. It was hard to credit that we’d been close—he’d confided in me. It felt like a lifetime ago.
The ride went in silence until the driver stopped at the train station. I paid him in cash, then we unloaded. I had lost my sense of time in the real world; how long had it been exactly since Shan and I got off the train? Now we were heading back to London to look for Eva’s contact. I checked the address in my phone, then bought us all tickets. It was late by the time we boarded, and Booke was looking worse. What’re you doing? I asked myself. Maybe it would’ve been better to let him die in familiar surroundings, but it seemed so wrong. That he should pass on without ever seeing anything of the modern world firsthand. I wanted to show him everything, but there weren’t sufficient moments left for that. So I had to pick and choose.
I helped Booke get settled. Then Shannon sat beside him, which left me to take a seat behind them with Kel. It was full dark by this time, no scenery to admire. But I needed to talk to him anyway. And I could tell that he was looking at my blurry face in the glass, not peering beyond the reflection at the night sky.
“Go on, then. I’m ready to listen. You’ve been cryptic in the past, talking about me being important, hinting I have a destiny. Now, you’ve said you’re to recruit me?”
“Time to give the pitch,” he said tiredly. “The archangel to whom I report has been building alliances, preparing to wage a war against demonkind.”
“What has that got to do with me?” I asked, puzzled.
“The duality of your nature. You’ve tasted white magick and demon power. Ultimately, you rejected the demon queen and returned home. Thus, my archangel believes you’ve chosen a side.”
“That seems . . . far-fetched. Just because I didn’t want to stay in Sheol, it doesn’t mean I want to . . .” I trailed off, unsure what I was being asked to do.
“Fight?” he supplied.
“Would it come to that?” It didn’t sound like a viable option for me. I wasn’t exactly the warrior princess type.
“If Barachiel has his way, it will. He wants to conquer demonkind utterly. He’s been building toward this confrontation for centuries.”
“Why does he want me? What would I be doing?” Already, the rejection trembled on the tip of my tongue. I had learned the hard way that if powerful creatures sought you out, it was almost never to your benefit.
“If you agree, he’ll explain everything to you personally,” he answered.
I stared. “Isn’t that like asking me to sign on the dotted line without reading the contract first?”
“He’s not accustomed to being refused anything he wants. To his mind, you should be honored to be chosen.”
“Like in the old days when an angel appeared in a halo of golden light and the peasant scrambled forth in an adoring stupor to do his bidding?”
A reluctant half smile curved Kel’s mouth. “Precisely. He has not adapted well to the Information Age.”
“Then . . . I have to decline. I’m sorry. But it’s not fair to ask me to accept something like this without more details.”
“Nobody ever said life was fair,” he murmured, turning away.
“Ignoring me won’t work,” I whispered.
He shifted, so he was gazing at me full on again. “What is it, Corine?”
“What aren’t you telling me? I know you well enough to realize something’s bothering you about all this.”
Surprise flickered across his impassive features. Doubtless it was my assertion that I knew him. He tried to be remote and untouchable as a mountaintop, but I had scaled his heights, breached his imperturbable silence. And now I knew how to interpret his minuscule expressions.
Kel clenched both hands into fists, balanced them upon his knees. “I’m trapped, Corine.”
“I know.” That wasn’t news, however.
His mouth firmed into a taut, angry line. “You don’t. When I report that I’ve failed to recruit you to our cause, my next order will be to kill you.”
My blood chilled in my veins. “You wouldn’t—”
“I don’t want to,” he said, low. “But I am incapable of rebellion.”
“But . . . you were flogged in the arena.” I remembered his scars, and the way he’d trembled when I ran my fingertips across them, how he flinched when I traced the place on his shoulders where his wings used to be. “What for, if not refusing to fall in line?”
“For being a half-breed. For being insolent and irreverent.”
“You were whipped for . . . mouthing off?” I asked, trying to understand. “But you never actually denied a command?”
“If I could, I would have.” His anguish sharpened the words, made a weapon of them, until I had to reach for him.
My palm covered his knotted fist, and I stroked his knuckles until his fingers unfurled beneath mine. Then he turned his hand slowly under mine, until our palms aligned. A small part of me still loved him. Not as you build your dreams around a man, but in the way you love the stars for shining, showering ephemeral brightness.
“What did they make you do?”
“The archangel learned I had a lover,” he said quietly.
I was afraid I knew where this was going. “Asherah, the goddess of desire.”
He shook his head. “Like you, she was human, though she was a priestess.”
“He ordered you to kill her?” It seemed like the logical conclusion.
“Yes.” The raw syllable told me how much the memory still hurt him, two thousand years later.
“And you couldn’t refuse.”
“Only humans have free will.”
“But you’re so strong. There must be a way to resist your orders.”
“Do you think I would not walk away from endless war, endless death, if it were so simple?” Kel angled a hard look at me.
He had a point. His archangel—or whatever the hell the creature was—had a powerful hold on him. Maybe magickal compliance was in effect, making Kel think he didn’t have free will, due to the bullshit mythology he had been fed since birth. Regardless, it also meant I was in a hell of a mess. If I didn’t sign on with a being I wasn’t convinced had humanity’s best interests at heart, Kel would kill me. And then he’d spend two thousand years grieving.
Shit.
“How long do you have before he gets suspicious?”
“I’m not sure. He has many concerns, many agents. And I’m not his most important emissary.”
“I don’t want to fight anymore,” I said tiredly.
Kel laced his fingers through mine. “Nor do I. Even before I met you, I was weary of war, sick unto death.”
“But you can’t die.”
“No.” The word carried infinite sorrow.
“I don’t understand what the archangel wants from me. I’m not the Binder anymore. My mother’s magick doesn’t work. Which just leaves the touch. What good could that possibly do him?”
“I don’t know,” he answered. “But this I promise . . . I won’t hurt you, Corine.”
“You can’t know what the future holds.” If I had the option, I’d take a do-over in Sheol, find some way to save Chance. “Anyway, it’s not our most pressing concern. Can you stall?”
“A few days at least. He won’t expect instant capitulation from you, I think.”
That sounded as if the archangel knew me. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. “What’s his name, anyway?”
“Barachiel.”
“Is he an utter bastard?”
The question startled a quiet chuckle out of Kel. “Yes, rather. I used to tell myself that he got his orders from a higher power. It was the only thing that made my mission bearable.”
“Is the bloom off the rose?”
He inclined his head. “I am unable to grasp how it can matter to a divine being whether you work for Barachiel or not. Lately, it seems as if his will has supplanted any other . . . if there ever was anything more.”
I hated to see the pain engineered by such a crisis in faith, but it might be better that he had lost his blind fanaticism. “I can’t answer that. The demons said a few things that made me think maybe . . . but mostly, it seems like we’re on our own.”
“I thought so too, long ago. But after Asherah died . . . they broke me. Made me believe, somehow, that every horrific deed served a higher purpose.”
“Maybe you had to accept that,” I offered. “Or go crazy.”
“You mean my belief was a form of self-preservation?”
“Possibly. I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through.”
His smile was fleeting. “You are an odd woman, Corine Solomon. I’ve slain many, but you’re the only prospective victim who ever tried to console me.”
“Is it working?” I wondered aloud.
“Somewhat.”
That seemed like a good place to let the conversation rest. I left my hand in his as a comforting gesture and didn’t protest when he turned his face toward the window. He closed his eyes, tilting his head against the seat; gods, I hoped we could wake him up when the train stopped.
To my relief, it wasn’t a problem.
When we arrived in London, Shannon hailed us a cab, and I helped Booke climb into the back. It was late enough that we should be ashamed of turning up at Geoff Stenton’s door, but I’d drag his ass out of bed if I had to. Booke needed this passport urgently.