“No.” That one word stopped me mid-stride. Did she mean no to the fight, or to me going? “When Steve is healed, he will go for the jewel with Kiara. You will go to Dragon’s Ground to see if you can find a way in prepping us for the next jewel.”
I closed my eyes, my heart breaking on what was left of my belief in Ish. I thought she would understand. I thought she of all people would grasp the importance of not leaving anyone behind. “You would leave Darcy to the Ice Witch? You would leave her to be sent to Marsum?”
“Steve will save her, Zamira.” Ish’s words were soft, but not particularly soothing. “You are not strong enough to see the final three jewels back to me on your own, or even with Steve. The final three jewels are held by guardians of the wall and they are . . . they are not a rush of giants or a coven of witches. They need a true lion of power to take them down. I’m sorry. But it is the truth.”
Her words could not have cut any deeper than if she’d used a knife on me. I forced myself to stand still and straight, to not slump under the shame that had just been heaped onto me. “Not strong enough.” I repeated the words.
“It is the truth, Zamira.” Ish reached for me and I pulled back. “You know it is the truth and the sooner you accept it, the sooner you can move on with your life. You are living as though you can truly stand next to those in your pride, shoulder to shoulder, and you cannot. You are not that cat. You will never be.”
I swallowed hard, turned and strode away from her. Away from a truth that while it might be my reality, was fucking hard to hear from the mouth of my surrogate mother. To hear that she thought so little of me, thought me incapable of . . . anything.
My whole life I’d fought one thing: being weaker than the others. All I could do to counteract that weakness was by training, learning weaponry, gaining skills that helped me be the fighter and thief I was. But there was something else I struggled with almost as much as being weak. I’d screwed up who to trust enough times now that I didn’t see the point in trusting anyone. Even Ish—the woman who was my mother in everything but blood. She didn’t trust me to complete what I set out to do. She didn’t trust me, and obviously, I couldn’t trust her to know me well enough that she would allow me a measure of understanding.
The halls seemed to close in around me and I struggled to walk straight. I finally stopped and leaned against the rough brick and mortar to catch my breath that came in gulps, as if I’d been running flat out for miles and miles. But I couldn’t slow the pounding of my heart or the racing of my thoughts as my world imploded. My ears twitched with the squeak of a wheel and I turned my head. “What do you want, Bryce?” The words were hollow, dead of emotion. It was time I felt nothing, it was time to shut this shit down. If I didn’t feel anything, then I couldn’t be hurt anymore. If I expected nothing from those around me, there would be no disappointment.
“Tell me you’re going after her,” he said with more pain in his voice than I’d heard in years. “I may never be able to love her the way she deserves, but I don’t think I can go on without her being in my life. Steve won’t save her; we both know it. No matter what was between them—”
“Don’t.” I cut him off. “Don’t go there.”
My throat tightened, making it tough to speak. At least Bryce loved Darcy. It took me a moment to pull my shit together, to push the past down so I didn’t vomit it right out my mouth. “I’m not leaving her out there on her own.”
He closed his eyes and then took a big breath, expanding his broad chest. “Then you’re going to need help and I know who can go with you and not be missed, at least not right away. Darcy was flirting with the human before she left.”
“Maks?” I stared hard at him and shook my head. “No, she didn’t like Maks. She would have told me something like that.” It was bad enough who she did like, and it wasn’t my brother. Maks, while pleasing to the eye, was human. I was sure Darcy wouldn’t take him into her bed. My gut twisted. Then again, Darcy had taken someone to her bed that I would’ve never thought she would.
Bryce nodded. “She did. I’m sure of it. I saw them talking several times out my window. And the feeling was mutual. You were too busy hating Steve to see she was falling for him.”
I wasn’t sure if he meant Darcy was falling for Maks or Steve. No, that wasn’t true. I knew he meant Maks, but I’d never told him the other secret Darcy had. It was her secret to tell, or not tell after all, not mine.
“He’s human; what can he possibly do to help?” I lowered my voice, not because Maks might hear me slag him, but Ish might hear us talking and she’d try to stop me. Because I’d already decided I was going after Darcy. No matter what happened, she was my friend and I wasn’t leaving her in the icy cold north.
I wasn’t sure anymore if she would do the same for me, not after our fight. But I wouldn’t let that stop me. She’d saved my life years ago, and this was my chance to return the favor, to show her I could forgive her.
“Maks is cannon fodder.” Bryce shook his head. “Shitty as that sounds. And he does have some skills, and you can boss him around easier than Steve. He can help, I think. He’s survived on this side of the wall where other humans haven’t lasted a week. You could use that kind of luck on your side.”
I pushed off the wall and made a motion with my hand, an offer to push his wheelchair. He shook his head. The fight we’d had earlier was gone under the bonds of our broken family. That’s the way it went some days. Screaming and yelling and hating, then banding together to save one of our own, burying the feelings so they didn’t get in the way of what needed to be done.
I walked beside him, heading to my room. “I don’t want his help. I’ll be faster on my own.”
Humans were so many things and none of them good in my opinion. Useless, prideful, stupid. I mean, I got what Bryce was thinking. It would be no big loss for Maks to die. Not really. And if he managed to help me a little along the way, I could understand what my brother was thinking. The problem was I knew I could move faster on my own. Never mind the whole issue of whether or not I could trust Maks—the short answer was I couldn’t. No human could be trusted. No matter how pretty his blue eyes were.
“I’ve already told him he’s going with you,” Bryce said. “You aren’t the big cat you were meant to be, Zam. You’re quick, and smart, and mean as they come when you really put up a fight, but you need some muscle behind you in case things get tough. Maks can be that muscle. And you need someone to help push you into decisions you’d rather not make. You won’t do that on your own.”
His words stopped me. Complimentary and not, all at once. “Bryce—”
“No. For once let me lead our family as I was meant to. I’m giving you a direct command.” Something in his voice deepened and I felt his power as an alpha all the way to my bones. My leader was speaking and the cat in me bowed under his demand, making me inwardly snarl at the submissiveness in me. “Get Darcy, bring her home. Take Maks and try not to get killed.”
I nodded, bending to his will. And even though it was what I wanted to do—get Darcy home—I hated that my inner self was still the doormat cat I loathed. “What about the jewel?”
“Ish wants it, so Steve and Kiara can get it,” Bryce said. “Two teams, two goals.” I noted that he used the word want. He was wrong about that—Ish needed the jewel. Her secrets burned in me, and for a brief second, I thought about telling him the truth. About telling him what I knew. But I couldn’t trust him with it. I knew that.
I put a hand on his shoulder and tightened my fingers as I struggled to let him direct me. It was his rightful place in our family, but things hadn’t quite worked out that way. My cat wanted to bow to him, and at the same time, swat his cheek for trying to boss me. I finally lowered my chin to my chest, submitting fully. A sigh slid past my lips.
“Tell Maks to meet me at the stable. I leave tonight, in an hour.”
Bryce nodded. “Take that flail with you. Father told me about it, said it was a powerful weapon.”