Rufus scratched at his bushy reddish beard, which he allowed to go wild in the winter. It was currently edging perilously close to his eyes.
“But, see, this isn’t about X anymore, I don’t think,” he said.
“It is,” said Zoe impatiently. “I know my brother.”
Rufus shook his head, and his fledgling dreads swung back and forth. His stubbornness surprised her. In her experience, he disliked confrontation and would go with the flow no matter where the flow happened to be headed.
“Look, we talked about X,” he said. “And honestly? I think him taking off was a bigger deal for you than for Jonah. Jonah liked him, heck yeah. He’s bummed he split, heck yeah. But this stuff—the crying and the shell shock and the not leaving the house—this stuff is deeper than that. This thing’s got roots like a big-ass tree. This is about something else now.”
The front door opened. Jonah hovered near the threshold. He had his shoes on, which could have meant something—or nothing.
“I want to talk to you,” he told Zoe. “I have a question.”
He was a single step away from the outside world. A wind came up and rattled the storm door in its frame.
“I can’t hear you,” said Zoe. “Come closer.”
Rufus shook his head and leaned toward her. “Don’t get your hopes up,” he whispered. “I tried this.”
Zoe ignored him. Why hadn’t he left already? She waited for her brother to answer.
“No,” said Jonah. “I know what you’re trying to do.”
“I’m not trying to do anything, bug. I just can’t hear you.”
Rufus turned away, as if he didn’t want to see what was about to happen.
“He’s just not ready,” he said. “You’re playing with matches.”
“Stop it, Rufus,” Zoe said under her breath. “You’re not his sister.”
Jonah eyed them all suspiciously.
“I have to talk to you, Zoe,” he said again. “Because of my question.”
“Just come out on the steps,” she said. “You can go right back inside.”
Val put her hand on Zoe’s shoulder.
“Maybe Rufus is right?” she said.
Zoe gave Val a look: You, too? She focused on Jonah again. He was leaning against the door, his hair flattened into a fan.
He pushed the door infinitesimally forward.
Come on, that’s right, thought Zoe. Come on, just do it, you little shit.
He pulled it shut again.
“You’re trying to trick me,” he said.
“I’m not, bug.”
“Don’t call me bug when you’re trying to trick me.”
“Look, if you can’t come out on the steps for two seconds, then let’s talk later. Your question can’t be very important.”
“I want to know—”
“Later, Jonah.”
She hated being cruel, but someone had to get tough with the kid or he was going to turn into a shut-in. When somebody was scared of the water, weren’t you supposed to just throw them in the pool? Wasn’t that a thing? If it wasn’t, it should be.
“You stopped calling me bug,” said Jonah. “That means you were trying to trick me. You didn’t use to try to trick me.”
Zoe walked toward the door—slowly, like someone trying not to frighten a cat.
From behind her, she heard Val say worriedly, “What are you doing?”
Zoe ignored her and climbed the steps. She heard Rufus say, “I can’t watch this.” She ignored him, too. She was going to put an end to this before it got any worse.
She opened the door. Jonah withdrew farther into the house. There was fear in his eyes, distrust.
Zoe smiled. She held the door open with one foot.
“Hug me?” she said.
Jonah made a confused face. He shivered as the wind slipped inside. After a moment, he inched forward and held out his arms. Zoe reached for him.
She clamped her arms around him and bolted outside.
Jonah panicked. He fought and screamed and pulled Zoe’s hair. She kept going. She was convinced that what she was doing was right. Later, he would understand.
Rufus and Val stared at her like she was insane. She veered away from them. The ground was snowy and rough. She nearly fell. Jonah was heavier than she remembered. She tried to soothe him. She whispered in his ear, “I know you miss X. So do I! But he’ll come back. I promise, I promise, I promise.”
“So what!” Jonah wailed. He was beating on her back with his fists. “I don’t care about X! I don’t even miss him!”
“You do,” said Zoe. “And it’s okay!”
“I don’t, I swear to god I don’t!” shouted Jonah. “I miss Daddy!”
He landed a kick to her right knee. Zoe’s legs buckled and she collapsed into the snow.
Jonah fled into the house.
Rufus managed to slip in after him before he locked the door.
Zoe leaned against the Buggy and cried a long time, mortified by what she’d done. Val put an arm around her. She tried to console Zoe by describing every idiotic and embarrassing thing she had ever done, which took almost 15 minutes. None of it was as bad as traumatizing your little brother just as he reached out to you for help. None of it was as bad as allowing an obsession with a guy make you forget that your father was dead, that he’d been abandoned in a hole, and that you and just about everyone you loved were still wrestling with grief.