We don’t bother trying to sneak out. Mom and Dad snore like trains, and my siblings know better than to stop me. The rain hasn’t let up, but Kilorn and I don’t mind. We walk down the row-house street without speaking, the only noise coming from our feet squelching through puddles as the storm rumbles in the distance. I can barely feel it anymore, as the lightning and thunder spiral away toward the coast. It isn’t that cold, and the well-illuminated base keeps out the darkness. We don’t have any real destination. No direction but forward.
“He’s a coward,” Kilorn mumbles. He kicks at a loose pebble. It skitters away, spreading ripples across the wet street.
“You said that already,” I reply. “Along with a few other things.”
“Well, I meant it.”
“He deserves every word.”
Silence drags over us like a heavy curtain. We both know this is strange territory. My romantic entanglements aren’t exactly his favorite subject, and I don’t want to inflict any more pain than I already have on my closest friend.
“We don’t have to talk—”
He cuts me off, putting a hand on my arm. His touch is firm but friendly. The lines between us are clearly drawn, and Kilorn values me enough to never cross them. He might not even feel the same as he did before. I’ve changed so much in the last few months. It’s possible the girl he thought he loved is gone. I know what that’s like too, to love someone who doesn’t really exist.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I know what he means to you.”
“Meant,” I growl, trying to push past him.
But his grip tightens. “No, I didn’t make a mistake. He still means something to you, even if you won’t admit that.”
It isn’t worth the argument. “Fine. I admit it,” I force through clenched teeth. It’s dark enough that he might not notice my face turning scarlet. “I asked the premier,” I mumble. Kilorn will understand. He has to understand. “I asked to keep him alive. When the time comes, when we turn. Is that weakness?”
Kilorn’s face falls. The harsh streetlights illuminate him from behind, giving him a halo. He’s a handsome boy, if he isn’t already considered a man. If only my heart fell to him instead of someone else.
“I don’t think so,” he says. “Love can be exploited, I guess, used to manipulate. It’s leverage. But I would never call loving someone else a weakness. I think living without love at all, any kind of love, is weakness. And the worst kind of darkness.”
I swallow thickly. The tears don’t feel so immediate anymore. “When did you become so wise?”
He grins, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I read books now.”
“Do they have pictures?”
Barking a laugh, he starts walking again. “You’re such a kind person.”
I match his pace. “That’s what I hear,” I reply, glancing up at his lanky form. His hair is soaked through now, darker in the wet. Almost brown. Kilorn could be Shade if I squinted. Suddenly I miss my brother so much I can barely breathe.
I won’t lose anyone else the way I lost Shade. It’s an empty promise, with no guarantees. But I need some kind of hope. I need some kind of hope, however small it may be.
“Will you come to Montfort?” The words blurt out of me, and I can’t bite them back. It’s a selfish request. Kilorn doesn’t have to follow me around everywhere I go. And it’s not my place to demand anything of him. But I don’t want to leave him behind again.
His responding grin erases any trepidation I might have. “Am I allowed? Thought it was some kind of mission.”
“It is. And I’m allowing it.”
“Because it’s safe,” he replies, eyeing me sidelong.
I purse my lips, searching for an answer he might accept. Yes, it is safe. Or the closest thing we have to safe. It isn’t wrong to want him out of danger.
Kilorn brushes my arm. “I get it,” he continues. “Listen, I’m not about to storm a city or shoot jets out of the sky. I know what my limitations are, and how many I have compared to the rest of you.”
“Just because you can’t kill someone with a snap of your fingers doesn’t make you less than anyone else,” I fire back, almost electrified with sudden indignation. I wish I could list all the wonderful things about Kilorn. All the important things he is.
His expression sours. “Don’t remind me.”
I grab his arm, nails digging into wet fabric. He doesn’t stop walking. “I’m serious, Kilorn,” I say. “So you’ll come?”
“I’ll check my schedule.”
I dig my elbow into his side and he jumps away, forcing an exaggerated frown.
“Stop it. You know I bruise like a peach.”
I elbow him again for good measure, both of us laughing as much as we dare.
We continue on quietly, lapsing into an easy silence. This time it isn’t so stifling. My usual worries melt away, or at least step back for long moments. Kilorn is my home too, as much as my family. His presence is a pocket of time, a narrow place where we can exist without consequence. Nothing before, nothing after.
At the end of the street, a figure seems to materialize from the rain, shedding drops of dark and light. I recognize the silhouette before my body has time to react.
Julian.
The gangly Silver hesitates when he sees us, only for a second, but it’s enough time for me to know. His side is chosen, and it isn’t mine.
Cold bleeds through me, from fingers to toes. Even Julian.
As he approaches, Kilorn nudges me.
“I can head back,” he whispers.
I glance at him briefly, drawing strength from him. “Please don’t.”
His brows knit with concern, but he nods curtly.
My old tutor still wears his long robes, despite the rain, and he shakes water from the folds of his faded yellow clothing. No use in it. The rain keeps pelting down, smoothing out the slight curls of his gray-streaked hair.
“I was hoping to catch you at home,” he calls over the hissing downpour. “Well, honestly, I was hoping to catch you indisposed so I could do this in the morning. Instead of out in this infernal wet.” Julian shakes his head like a dog and pushes hair away from his eyes.
“Say what you came here to say, Julian.” I cross my arms. As the night falls, so does the temperature. I might catch a chill, even here in steaming Piedmont.
Julian doesn’t reply. Instead his eyes flick to Kilorn, one eyebrow raised in silent question. “He’s fine,” I say, answering before he can ask. “Speak up before we all drown out here.”
My tone sharpens, and so does Julian. He isn’t a fool. His face falls, reading the disappointment etched on me. “I know you feel abandoned,” he begins, choosing his words with maddening care.
I can’t help but bristle. “Stick to history. I won’t let you lecture me on what I’m allowed to feel.”
He only blinks, taking my response in stride. Again he pauses, long enough to let a raindrop roll down his straight nose. He does it to gauge me, to measure, to study. For the first time, his patient manner makes me want to seize him by the shoulders and shake some impulsive words out of him.
“Very well,” he says, his voice low and wounded. “Then, in the interest of history, or what will very soon be history, I am still accompanying my nephew on your journey west. I would like to see the Free Republic for myself, and I think I can be of use to Cal there.” Julian starts to take a step forward, toward me, but thinks better of it. He keeps his distance.
“Does Tiberias have some interest in obscure history that I don’t know about?” I scoff, the words coming out harsher than usual.
He looks torn; that much is very clear. He can barely look me in the eye. The rain plasters his hair to his forehead, clings to his lashes, pulls at him with tiny fingers. It smooths him out somehow, as if washing away his days. Julian seems younger than when I met him, almost a year ago. Less sure of himself. Full of worry and doubt.
“No,” he concedes. “While I normally encourage my nephew to pursue all knowledge he can, there are some things I’d like to steer him away from. Some stones he should not waste time trying to overturn.”