“How do you keep doing this?” he said. “Keep going, when everything is so horrible?”
Horrible. Was that what life was? I had never put a word to it. Pain had a way of breaking time down. I thought about the next minute, the next hour. There wasn’t enough space in my mind to put all those pieces together, to find words to summarize the whole of it. But the “keep going” part, I knew the words for.
“Find another reason to go on,” I said. “It doesn’t have to be a good one, or a noble one. It just has to be a reason.”
I knew mine: There was a hunger inside me, and there always had been. That hunger was stronger than pain, stronger than horror. It gnawed even after everything else inside me had given up. It was not hope; it did not soar; it slithered, clawed, and dragged, and it would not let me stop.
And when I finally named it, I found it was something very simple: the desire to live.
That night was the last night of the Sojourn Festival, when the last few transport vessels landed in the loading bay and we all feasted on the sojourn ship together. The people we brought with us were supposed to be energetic by now, their confidence and determination bolstered by the celebratory events of the past week, and it seemed to me that they were. The crowd that carried Akos and me on their tide toward the loading bay was buoyant and loud. I was careful to keep my bare skin away from them; I didn’t want to draw attention to myself by causing people pain.
I walked to the platform where Ryzek stood braced against the railing, Eijeh at his right. Where was Vas?
I wore my Shotet armor, polished to perfection, over a long, sleeveless black dress. The fabric brushed the toes of my boots as I moved.
Ryzek’s kill marks were on full display; he kept his arm flexed to show them at their best. Someday he would begin a second row, like my father. When I arrived, he flashed a smile at me, which made me shudder.
I took my place on his left at the railing. I was supposed to display my currentgift at times like these, to remind all the people around us that despite Ryzek’s charm, we were not to be trifled with. I tried to accept the pain, absorb it like I did the cold wind when I had forgotten to wear the right coat, but I found it difficult to focus. In front of me, the waiting crowd wavered and swam. I wasn’t supposed to wince; I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t. . . .
I let out a relieved exhale when the last two transport vessels drifted through the open loading bay hatch. Everyone applauded when the ships’ doors opened, and the last group of Shotet spilled in. Ryzek held up both of his hands to quiet the crowd. It was time for his welcoming speech.
But just as Ryzek opened his mouth, a young woman stepped forward from the group that had just left the transport vessel. She had a long blond braid and wore, not the bright colors of the more common Shotet in the crowd below, but subtle blue-gray finery to match her eyes. It was a popular color among Shotet’s wealthy.
She was Lety Zetsyvis, Uzul’s daughter. She held a currentblade high in the air, and the dark tendrils wrapped around her hand like strings, binding the blade to her body.
“The first child of the family Noavek,” she shouted, “will fall to the family Benesit!”
It was my brother’s fate, spoken plainly.
“That is your fate, Ryzek Noavek!” Lety shouted. “To fail us, and to fall!”
Vas, who had pushed through the crowd, now seized her wrist with the certainty of a well-trained warrior. He bent over her, pressing her hand back so she was forced to her knees. Her currentblade clattered to the floor.
“Lety Zetsyvis,” Ryzek said, lilting. It was so quiet in the room that he didn’t even need to raise his voice. He was smiling as she struggled against Vas’s grip, her fingers turning white under the pressure.
“That fate . . . is a lie told by the people who want to destroy us,” he began. Beside him, Eijeh bobbed his head a little, like Ryzek’s voice was a song he knew by heart. Maybe that was why Ryzek didn’t look surprised to see Lety on her knees below us—because Eijeh had seen it coming. Thanks to his oracle, Ryzek already knew what to say, what to do.
“They are people who fear us for our strength and seek to undermine us: the Assembly. Thuvhe,” Ryzek continued. “Who taught you to believe such lies, Lety? I wonder why it is that you espouse the same views as the people who came to your house to murder your father?”
So that was how Ryzek was twisting things. Now, instead of Lety declaring my brother’s fate, a crusader for the truth, she was spouting the same lies that our Thuvhesit enemies supposedly told. She was a traitor, possibly even one who had allowed assassins to penetrate her family’s home so they could kill her father. Ridiculous, really, but sometimes people just believed what they were told. It was easier to survive that way.
“My father was not murdered,” Lety said in a low voice. “He took his own life, because you tortured him, you tortured him with that thing you call a sister, and the pain was driving him mad.”
Ryzek smiled at her as if she was the mad one, spewing nonsense. He cast his gaze all around him at the people who waited with bated breath to hear his response.
“This,” he said, gesturing to Lety. “This is the poison our enemies wish to use to destroy us—from within, not without. They tell lies to turn us against each other, to turn us against our own families and friends. That is why we must protect ourselves against not only their potential threats to our lives, but also their words. We are a people who has been weak before. We must not become so again.”