When Alana had come along for Aaron, Weston had been pummeled with visions of her with shifter eyes. He’d known she would be Turned, known she would be a Bloodrunner without a shadow of a doubt.
But he saw nothing of Lexi?
Not only that, but he was acting strange. Ryder knew Wes better than anyone, and he’d never given two shits about bonds, relationships, or claiming a mate. But since Ryder had mentioned Lexi, he was cool-as-you-like about him dating her. And Ryder couldn’t help but think it was because Wes didn’t take their relationship seriously. It felt like Wes didn’t care if he dated Lexi or not because he didn’t believe she would be in his life long-term.
Was he reading into Weston’s behavior too deeply? Maybe. But nothing else he’d come up with explained why his best friend wasn’t fighting Ryder’s interest in Lexi.
And Ryder so badly wanted her to be more than just another woman passing through his life.
She felt special. When he hugged her, touched her, kissed her, or even looked at her, there was this bright spot in his middle that seemed to pulse with devotion.
A week since he’d first met her, and Ryder had been prepared to call out Kane’s motherfuckin’ Blackwing Dragon to brawl for grabbing Lexi’s hand too hard.
He was doing it again.
He was making the same mistake he made every time a woman showed interest. He locked onto her, suffocated her until she acted out and ultimately rejected him. And he was so fucking tired of rejection.
He’d been shouldering that since he was a baby. No, don’t think about him. Robbie Anderson was a prick and a leaver. Dwelling on him wouldn’t do anything but put Ryder in a tail-spin, and he was over that. He’d gone through his angry phase as a teenager. Ryder allowing his biological dad to affect his life took away from all that Mason did for him. God, he wished he could just cut all memories of his real dad from his head and start on the day he’d met Mason. Why the fuck were his memories at age four and five so vivid? They should’ve faded, but they were there in the back of his mind, the brightest memories that made up the darkest parts of him.
Fuck Robbie.
Ryder should’ve been born to Mason. He should have Beast Boar blood pumping through his veins.
Absently, Ryder ran his finger over the old scar Mason had cut just under his collar bone. That’s what the boars did to declare someone was theirs, and when Ryder had asked, Mason had cut him immediately. Mason had never rejected him, so why the hell was Ryder stuck in this unending hiccup over his biological father leaving him?
Because he left you.
It wasn’t like Robbie and Mom split up and his real dad had just drifted away. No, Robbie had tried to keep a relationship with Ryder, but Robbie had hated him so much, he couldn’t stand to be a part of his life. He’d said it over and over. Sometimes I really hate you, you little freak.
And then he’d signed his parental rights over just so he wouldn’t have to see Ryder again.
Freak.
“Fuck,” Ryder choked out as he gripped his hair.
Riding this loop wasn’t doing any good. It would only hurt worse the deeper he dug into the whys and what ifs.
He had to dig out of the past if he wanted a shot at making a woman like Lexi happy. He couldn’t go through his whole life dragging the ghost of his dad. It would haunt him, haunt Lexi, haunt everything he tried to accomplish, and Robbie didn’t deserve that kind of power.
He never had.
****
Okay, there was the next marker. A red ribbon was tied around a tree trunk ahead. Lexi drove a washed-out road with two divots that tires had etched into the earth to create a single lane. Knee-high weeds comprised the center strip, and the brush and brambles ping-pinged against the undercarriage of Lexi’s Jeep.
The dirt track had seemed to go on forever since she’d turned off the main road, but Alana had assured her this would lead to Ryder.
Geez, she hoped he liked surprises. What if he was out here with another woman? Stop it. Ryder isn’t Blake. But she and Ryder hadn’t called each other anything more than friends. If he was dating other women, she would have to understand.
She rocked through a deep mud hole and passed the red ribbon, then curved around with the road. There was a clearing ahead with a foundation and framework up for a building. Beside the structure, Ryder was squatted down in the grass with his hands behind his head, his shoulders heaving. “Oh, my gosh,” she murmured, pulling to a stop. She shoved open the door and bolted for him, but by the time she was halfway there, Ryder stood and offered her a smile. Only it wasn’t a real smile. It was too tight and didn’t reach his bright gold eyes.
“Are you hurt?”
Ryder huffed, and the frail smile left his lips as he stared off into the woods. “What are you doing here?”
She cast her getaway vehicle a quick glance. “This was a bad idea. I shouldn’t have just come out here like this. I’m sorry. Uuum, if you want to grab coffee or something later this week, just give me a call.”
She turned and made her way toward her jeep, but something blurred past her and then Ryder’s hands were on her shoulders, forcing her to a stop. “I’m sorry. You just…caught me at a bad time. I didn’t want you to see…” Ryder inhaled a big breath and shook his head. “I’m sorry,” he repeated.
She couldn’t meet his eyes right now because the color was so light and so bright. Clutching the hem of his white T-shirt, she murmured, “Are you okay?”
“Hell yeah, I’m okay. My girl came to visit me. You want the tour?” His voice was upbeat now as if the last minute hadn’t happened.