“No, Kitty. Ben’s right. You aren’t safe with me. What can I give you? I can’t be intimate with you anymore because this will happen. You’ll beg for the bite and eventually I’ll give in. And it’ll hurt, Anna. It won’t be gentle, or romantic. If I allow the bond, you’ll be stuck with…” He gestured to himself.
But to her, being stuck with Jax sounded like the best thing in the world. He stood there tall and strong in front of her. Steady. Powerful legs, eight-pack flexing with each breath, covered in tattoos just right. Beard perfectly trimmed, eyes soft and sad, black hair mussed from the battle. Towering over her. Strong.
“I still feel safe,” she whispered, her eyes burning. “I don’t want you to go.”
“It ain’t his choice,” Ben said.
Jax cast the alpha an angry glance and then stepped closer to Annalise. He pulled the cushion from her, tossed it into the mud, then gripped her shoulders gently. “Your place is here. I can see it clear as day. You’ll get stronger here. You’ll become as fierce as She-Devil up in these mountains. You need steady, Anna.” Jax shook his head sadly. “I wish…more than anything…that I could be that for you. But I was born with Titan. I can’t wreck your crew. I can’t wreck your life. And I will if I stay.”
A traitor tear escaped her eye. She wanted to be strong because everyone was staring at her, and witnessing her heart being ripped out of her chest cavity. Jax was doing that, and he would hold it in his hand and drive away with it. And she would be left here, pretending for always that she was whole while an important part of her would be roaming the world with a rogue.
She closed her eyes tightly as he pulled her in close, and she slipped her arms around his back. This would be the last time she got to touch his skin. She-Devil was purring. Stupid cat. She didn’t understand what this hug was.
It was goodbye.
“Jax—”
“Don’t,” he drawled, easing away from the hug. He stepped backward step-by-step. “Don’t make this harder, or the bear will come back.” Already his eyes were back to that painfully bright green, and he smelled like fur.
“I like you, Anna,” he said, but she knew what he really meant. They’d said that to each other in all those messages because it had been too scary to say the L-word.
And she meant it when she forced the whispered response past her tightened vocal chords. “I like you, too.”
Jax turned and strode toward his truck.
Annalise’s face crumpled, and she cried. What was the point of hiding her agony? She’d had him for a blinding moment of happiness, and now she had to go back to the loneliness because he was really leaving her.
Right before he disappeared into the Red Havoc woods, he gave her a quick glance out his open window. Such agony was etched into his expression Annalise’s knees buckled, and she sank down into the mud, shoulders shaking with her sobbing.
“I’m sorry,” Ben growled, and then he spun and made his way toward his cabin.
One by one, the panthers slunk into their homes until it was only her left, knees in the mud, her heart in the hand of the man she loved.
Annalise had come here so that life could be easier, but it had just gotten ten times harder.
Inside of her, She-Devil screamed her heartbreak.
Chapter Nine
One week.
One week, and Jax hadn’t been able to force himself from Covington, the small town nestled in the Appalachian Mountains that was fifteen miles from her…from Annalise. His Anna. His She-Devil.
Something bad was happening to him.
He’d become stuck in this small town, as if his veins were full of slow drying cement, and he’d hardened day after day until he couldn’t move at all. This was purgatory. Torture. He was so close to her, but so far away.
Every day was the same. He would wake up in the queen-size bed in the cheap motel and try to convince himself that today was the day he would really leave. Leave the Appalachian Mountains, leave Covington, leave the girl he’d left his heart with.
And just like every other day, he’d spent today trying to gather the courage to pack up his truck and drive back toward Damon’s Mountains. Yet here he sat, in the dark of night, still in the hotel, still unable to leave.
But tomorrow would be the day. He’d made up his mind already and had worked himself up as he’d made his way through today. At the laundromat, he’d thought about her relentlessly. Thought about how he was taking care of her by leaving. At the diner where he’d eaten three burgers and two orders of fries, he’d thought about pounding her from behind against the counter in her house. The house Titan had destroyed. He’d convinced himself that was just the beginning if he stayed in her life. He was a destroyer.
If she’d been human…if only she’d been human. That’s what he’d been searching for, so he could avoid this bond he already felt tugging at him so hard. He had wanted a mate, but not love. Not devotion like this. He hadn’t wanted to tether Titan to anyone.
He hated the bear. Hated being a shifter. Always had, and always would, because Titan stunted his life. He cut his hope for happiness off at the knees and forced himself to keep his expectations low so that he wouldn’t be disappointed in life. Hope was a slippery slope for a man like him. Wishing for a bigger life than he was capable of would make his animal unmanageable.
Dressed in briefs and nothing more, he sat on the edge of his bed, elbows on his knees, face in his hands. He’d stopped looking in the mirror at himself. His face was too haunted, and it was all because of this decision.