"It also might have been the explanation of eating someone in a way more pleasurable than the kind ending in death," Morgan added with a blush to end all blushes.
I felt heat crawl up my own neck and land on my appalled face. I glanced around the room. Everyone was a varying shade of red except for Dwayne. Vamps couldn't blush. He was looking quite pleased with himself.
"So anyhoo," Pat went on, trying to ignore the icky sexual elephant in the room. "Mamma spared Daddy's life and they had ninety-two kids. We became pacifiers and started a dairy farm."
"Pacifists," Hank corrected.
"That's what I said," Pat shot back.
"Nope," Granny cut in. "You said you were a piece of rubber babies like to suck on."
"Well, I'll be damned," Pat sputtered. "That's completely screwed up."
"Happens to the best of us. So then what happened?" Dwayne asked as he rolled out from underneath Granny and stood next to Hank. "Where are all your siblings and your mamma and daddy?"
Pat's head dropped forward and its shoulders sagged pitifully. All the Cows on the floor closed in and moaned quietly. They looked like a clump before a rainstorm. "They're all gone. The Fire Breathers came and burned most of our family while we slept about fifty years ago. Mamma and Daddy were so sad they took their own lives."
"They ate each other?" I gasped out.
"Hell, no," Francis snapped with huge tears rolling down its face. "They both consumed three hundred packs of Pop Rocks and blew up like fireworks on the Fourth of July."
"It was awful," Harley sniffed.
"And messy," Morgan added.
Never in my life had I heard anything so bizarre and unsettling. I frantically searched for an appropriate condolence, but none came that weren't offensive or backed up by massively inappropriate laughter.
"Wait," I said, giving up on any compassionate response about the freakish demise of their parents. "Fire Breathers?"
"Yep. Never saw ‘em, but we know they was fire breathers. Everything and everyone except us and Mamma and Daddy was burned to a crisp," Jamie said in a hushed and tear-clogged voice. "We didn't do nothing to nobody. Don't know why something wanted us dead."
"After Mamma and Daddy combusted we ran away. We was in Iowa at the time and we hoofed it down here and staked our claim to this land and tried to make a go of it," Pat told us. "Them Fire Breathers never came back, but we'll run if they do."
"Why wouldn't you fight back?" I asked.
"Don't know how," Morgan said.
"You are COWS," Dwayne shouted in frustration as he began to float skyward. "You are some of the most deadly predators in the world. You could kick the Dragons’ asses."
"We could?" Francis asked, completely confused.
"Son of a bitch," Dwayne screeched as his head slammed into the ceiling. "This is all my fault."
"Not following you, Dracula," Pat said as it tried to help him down. "Dragons really exist?"
"Unfortunately, yes," I said as I helped pulled Dwayne off the ceiling. "They are very bad people and probably tried to eliminate you because of your power. My guess would be they know nothing of the eight of you or they would have come after you."
"That's just mean," Lee huffed. "We don't harm no one."
"It was an accident when I ate that human a couple years back," Jamie wailed pitifully. "I was havin' a real bad day."
"No one blames you for that," Francis consoled Jamie with a hug. "It could happen to anyone."
It gave us the evil eyeball and we all murmured our dubious assent.
"I can't take this," Dwayne bellowed and smacked himself in the head several times. "This is all my fault. I screwed with the intercourse food chain and destroyed an entire species."
The Cows were baffled at his outburst, but Granny, Hank and I were not. Hank's hand went to his concealed weapon as did mine and Granny's. Dracula was about to drop a bomb and there was no stopping him.
"My name is not Dracula," he continued at a decibel that was going to cause hearing damage. The Cows cowered and huddled. "My name is Vampyre Dwayne. I am your new father. I will be adopting you and raising you as my own since I'm dead and can't actually reproduce. Not to mention I'm gay. While I adore women and love playing them on stage, I am simply grossed out at the thought of playing hide the salami with a vagina. I shall endeavor to be a good yet profane and somewhat violent example for you. You will live with me and I will shred the shit out anything that ever tries to harm you again. I will take you shopping for clothes that minimize your girth and you will learn why bath products are your friends. And just so you know, most of the wedding story is correct except the part about how many people were there."
The Cows were mute and stared at him like he had three heads. I held my breath and kept my hand on my gun. My wolf wanted to come out, but I pushed her back. Dwayne's farked up Star Wars speech had the potential of going very wrong.
"Daddy?" Harley whimpered as it stepped forward and fell to its knees at Dwayne's feet.
The other Cows followed suit until there was a sobbing, keening clusterhump at Dwayne's feet. Never, never in my life had I seen anything so odd. It was emotionally wrenching, heart warming, and appalling at the same time. Gay Vampyre Dwayne boohooed along with his new family and patted their dirty heads lovingly. Again, no one was going to believe this.