The Cows ignored us and shifted, which was one of the most alarming things I'd ever seen. There were roughly the size of the cab of a Mac truck and their tusks were about five feet long. The gals were hairy and their eyes bulged to the point I thought they might fall out. No one would believe me if I described them. It was like your worst and strangest nightmare come to life… and they could speak.
Holy crap.
"Everybody stand back," Pat bellowed in a voice definitely more manly than girly. The Vamps flew around and squealed like girls. "It's gonna get stinky."
"Oh my hell," Dima sputtered as she pulled me back toward the house. "Are they going to kill my father with anal acoustics?"
"Very nice," I said as I pitched a throwing star at some incoming bad guys, removing a head and making the others duck for cover. "I'm impressed. I will accept that gross pun and raise you a booty belch, anal salute, cheek squeak and sphincter siren."
"I'm going to be ill, but I will counter your offer with a butt bazooka, a crack splitter, Horton hears a poo, and a nice bout of rectal turbulence," she shot back as she beheaded something flying low over her head. Thankfully it wasn't a Vamp.
"Can I play?" Hank asked.
"Of course," I told him.
"Panty burp, roar from the rear, air tulip, and ass ripper," he added proudly.
"I will marry you," I said with a grin. "Your disgusting mind matches my own. And you deserve my friendship," I told Dima. I gauged how fast the enemy was coming and how close the Cows would let them get before they let go with a blast of insane methane.
"Don't know if that's a compliment or a curse," Dima said as she backed farther away from the Cows. "Will we live through this?"
"Um… not sure," I admitted. "Stay upwind and hold your nose."
"How will I breathe?" she asked.
"Through your mouth," I said logically.
"Oh, hell no. Then I'll taste it," she gagged out.
"Point. Can't help you there," I said, as I pondered the situation and waited to see what happened next.
The Wolves and Dragons didn't want us alive, but they were hesitant in their attack. Possibly Hank's and my reputation for killing Dragons had surfaced. Or maybe they were simply too important to fight—something they usually left to the commoners—like me.
However, I didn't have to ponder it long. Nope. What I saw would stay with me always, even though I would pay good money to have it removed. The butt yodeling was only the tip of the iceberg. The rest was almost unexplainable.
The Cows turned, bent over and ran backwards toward the incoming aggressors. The Dragons and Council Wolves were confused and amused. Clearly they had no clue what was coming next. I believe their condescending shouts were their undoing. The Cows might have been satisfied with asphyxiating them, but the bovine slurs were what landed them in hell… which was where I assumed most of them were headed, one way or another anyway.
The booty bombs were in technicolor and they were loud. I now wondered if the explosions earlier were my Cow friends practicing. Dragons literally fell from the sky and Wolves curled into balls and convulsed as they gasped for air.
The Vampyres cheered loudly. Their fangs glistened as they blew raspberries and kisses to their bovine loves. The feral Wolves had backed up to the front porch and were clawing desperately to get in. I didn't blame them, but I didn’t let them. I was unsure if it was to get to Angela or to get away from the smell.
The next part is what I wanted to close my eyes for, but morbid curiosity and healthy respect for five foot tusks made me watch. There was a reason Cows were feared. Dwayne's gals were no longer pacifists. They had found their inner killer with a vengeance and they were having a blast.
The Council Wolves and the Dragons… not so much.
Hank pulled me to the porch along with Dima and Dwayne. It was the first time in my life I relaxed in a battle. There was nothing for me to do. It was all being done for me… and Hank… and Dwayne… and Dima and the Vamps.
After the initial butt crack concert, the Cows went berserk. It was not exaggerated how poisonous their tusks were. A simple prick would have killed even the strongest paranormal. However, the girls weren't satisfied to poke and run. They were more into gore, shake, and hurl at least three hundred feet or so. They seemed particularly focused on the Dragons. This made sense, considering the Dragons had burnt their family alive.
It was like watching a warped child's version of what happened to bad guys. It was bloody, ugly and short. Giant clouds of purple Dragon smoke and small fires littered the lawn. Dwayne's grass would definitely have to be re-seeded. It was a freakin' mess.
"He got away," Dima cried out as she ran the grounds and searched for her father. "Damn it, he got away."
This was not good. At all.
"We'll find him and we'll kill him," I promised her as I stepped over the dead bodies of Aramini and Gades.
It would be interesting explaining this clusterhump to the rest of the Council. I had no idea if they would believe us or if they were all in on this sick game. Yet another big hurdle to not look forward to.
"Guys, back off." Hank growled at the feral Wolves as they continued to try and claw their way into the house. They were led by the two who were familiar to me. My instinct was to shift and help them—strange.
"I don't know if Dwayne will want you guys in the house if you're going to fight or cause trouble," I told them. "Tell me what's wrong."