After a minute, I started to feel her fear. She pulled away; her eyes were open and pleading. I held her tightly to my body. She began to gasp. She held onto my neck as she breathed in water. Her body began to jerk. She put her mouth on mine, seeking comfort. When she started convulsing, I gave up. That was it. I couldn’t do it. I braced her against me and shot straight out of the water. I blew breaths into her mouth until she coughed. I was flying to her apartment as fast as I could.
Evey was out of it, trembling and gasping for air. “Why?” she tried to say as she coughed uncontrollably.
I got her into the apartment unnoticed. I carried her to the bathroom and started a warm bath. Her teeth were chattering as she tried to speak again. “Why?”
Standing her on her weak legs, I stripped her clothes from her shaking, blue body. “I’m so sorry,” I said. My voice sounded like a cry. I picked up her naked body and placed her in the tub. She had the utmost trust for me still. I couldn’t understand it.
Rubbing her arms and legs to warm her up, I chanted over and over, “I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. Take me, God, I can’t bear this.”
As if it weren’t enough that I had almost killed the only living being that had ever meant anything to me, I was also feeling the intense effects of alcohol withdrawal. I was almost convulsing myself, and I was tortured by what I had done. All I could do was stare hopelessly into Evey’s trusting, chocolaty eyes, so warm and so innocent. What had I done?
“Take me, God,” I said again.
“Stop saying that, Lucian, please. I’m okay. I just don’t understand anything. Are you shaking because you’re cold? You can come in here with me.”
I shook my head. “I’ll tell you everything, but not right now. Right now we need to warm you up. I should not have done that. It was a mistake. I’m sorry. I promise I won’t keep anything from you ever again.” I owed it to her to tell her as much as I knew, and I planned to do just that.
After dressing her and carrying her to bed, I lay down beside her and stroked her hair. Her eyes were closed, but she was awake. She curled into my body, so I held her closer. I tightened my grip. I would never let her go.
“I feel like I’m on drugs when I’m with you,” she said near my ear.
In a low voice, I told her, “I am so in love with you, Evey, but I can’t be with you. I’m not allowed. You’re in love with me because I am made to make you feel that way. I was never supposed to let you see me. Another angel told me that if I took your life, you would become like me and that we could be together.”
“Do it,” she said quietly.
She’s going crazy. I caused this. “I told you why you feel that way. Please don’t be reckless. I could never go through with it. It hurts so badly to say this, but we can never be together. I have to protect you. Don’t you see that? I tried today, and it was the worst feeling I’ve ever had. I don’t see how it would be possible.”
“So what are you saying? That you’ll try to make me forget you again? That I’ll go on with the rest of my life with you hanging around while I have dreams of you… while I ache for you?” She remembered everything. I didn’t know how I could make her forget. I was in unchartered territory.
“I ache for you. I’ve ached for you for so long. Since you’ve grown up, I’ve wanted to be with you. When you were young, I wanted to teach you everything about the world. I wanted to protect you. I still do, and this is the only way I can. I have to follow the rules so that I can be here for you forever.”
She laced her fingers between mine. “You’re warm. Why are you trembling?”
“I’m an alcoholic,” I told her.
Her eyes opened wide. “You are?”
I nodded.
“You’re so human,” she said, “so flawed. I love you more because of it.”
“I know it feels that way, but I’m not human. Flawed, yes, but not human.”
“I can help you get sober, if that’s what you want. We can be together. What’s going to happen if we’re together?” she asked.
I knew she could. Not being able to have her was half of the reason I drank, or maybe it was the whole reason I drank. “I don’t know what will happen, but I’m too scared to find out. I don’t want to risk your life anymore.”
“I’ll never get over you,” she said.
We kissed again.
She removed my T-shirt and ran her hand down the muscles of my back. “They’re gone. You’re so human.”
She took off her own clothes, and I didn’t stop her. I just looked on in awe. Why hadn’t Mona shown up? Why hadn’t someone intervened?
We were naked, and I took her in, running my hands up her smooth sides, cupping her breasts, teasing her. Things sped up, and we were kissing frantically. I put my hand between her legs and touched her.
“Ahh, Lucian. Make love to me.”
“I’m going to, but let’s slow down.” I was still waiting for someone to come and remove me from the situation.
Just let me have this one night, God, Mona, whoever.
I kissed my way down her body, sucking her nipple into my mouth while my hand teased her below. She reached down and touched me, taking me in her hand, stroking me.
“Please, I want you,” she pleaded.
God, it felt so good. There was no way I could stop. I had never made love to a human. I didn’t know what would happen. As I kissed farther down, she writhed beneath my touch. We knew how to move with each other.