“You’re an ass, Werewolf,” I said with a grin.
“Tell me something I don’t know, Dragon,” she shot back with a laugh and resumed coloring.
Essie’s parents, permanently stuck in their shifted Wolf form, lay under the table lightly snoring while her best friend, the filter-free and fabulous gay Vampyre Dwayne, pored over wedding invitation catalogues.
Essie was getting married to Hank and Dwayne was her Man of Honor. From what I understood Dwayne was planning to wear a dress for the nuptials. I decided not to touch that one. It was Essie’s big day and if she was cool with an undead Man of Honor wearing a gown, who was I to judge? The simple fact that they’d accepted Daniel and me as friends was mind blowing to me. Dragons were not popular with any other magical species. My father had made sure of that. But being here in Hung, Georgia under the protection of Essie and Hank’s Wolf Pack was as safe and homey as Daniel and I had experienced in his four years on earth. For that I was thankful. However, I had a date with death staring me in the face in a few months if I didn’t find a mate or kill my father.
“You’re gorge,” Dwayne announced as he pulled out fabric swatches and laid them next to the invitations and pictures of wedding cakes he’d torn from magazines. “Both you and Essie are so hawt, if I liked vaginas I’d be on you like white on rice.”
“What’s a bagina?” Daniel asked, pointing a chubby finger at the now paler than usual Vamp.
“Ohhhh, um…well, a bagina is a dance done by extinct tribes of Pygmy Goat Shifters,” Dwayne stuttered as I reluctantly gave him a chance to crawl out of the body part hole. “If we say bagina too many times the goats will magically appear and eat all the cookies that Granny made—not to mention they smell like rotting fish—so we really don’t want to use that term.” He finished on a high note and gave me a mortified shrug along with an apologetic grin.
Dwayne should not be allowed to crawl out of holes. Ever.
“A vagina is a body part of a woman,” I said as I sat down next to Daniel and picked up a crayon. “You know how you have a penis?”
“Yesssssss,” he replied with a giggle and went to pull down his pants to show us.
Quickly sitting him on my lap to end the strip show, I continued. “A boy has a penis and a girl has a vagina. No big deal.”
“Can a gurl spway peepee on the wall with her bagina?” he asked seriously as Essie shoved the page she was coloring into her mouth to keep from laughing.
“Well, I did know a…” Dwayne started.
“Nope,” I cut the Vampyre off as the wolves under the table growled at him in warning. “Girls can’t do that,” I explained to my son as I gave Dwayne the mom eyeball or momball as I liked to refer to it.
“Dat is vewy sad.” Daniel shook his little head as his blond curls bounced.
“Tell me about it,” Essie agreed with a disgusted grunt. “When I was little I had to bring toilet paper when I ran away to the woods for the day. None of the boys had to do that.”
“Why didn’t you use a leaf?” Dwayne inquired, wedding planning forgotten.
“Because once you wipe with poison ivy, you bring toilet paper,” she hissed.
I stifled a giggle and hoisted my little man over my shoulder. “He needs a nap,” I told my newly found friends. “Which room should I use?”
“Upstairs, second door on the right,” Essie’s grandma, Bobbie Sue said as she came out of the kitchen covered in flour. “Stay out of my sewing room. I’m working on Dwayne’s Dolly Parton costume. Room’s covered in thousands of sequins and I might have left the hot glue gun on. Wouldn’t want our little man getting burned.”
“Thanks,” I said as I bit back my grin. Granny and Dwayne were famous on the Shifter drag show circuit from what I’d picked up. “Daniel and I are impervious to burns, but the sequins could be a problem if he ate them.”
“Oh God,” Dwayne announced dramatically. “One time I ingested a bag of sequins by accident and got excited that my poop would sparkle, but then I remembered I don’t poop. Vampyres can’t poop.”
That statement received total silence from everyone except for Daniel who unfortunately thought it was hilarious.
“I’m not even going to ask how a blood drinker eats sequins by accident,” Essie muttered as she stood and stretched. “I’m going to have to go home to Hank in a few. Will you and Daniel be okay at here at Granny’s?”
“We’re actually going to move over to the Hung Bed and Breakfast,” I told Essie as I snuggled my sleepy boy in my arms. “Seth’s coming tomorrow night and reserved a suite.”
“Mr. Snuffleupagus?” Essie inquired with a grunt of laughter.
“I’m sorry?” I asked, confused.
“Big Bird’s invisible friend on Sesame Street,” Dwayne supplied as if that would erase my confusion.
None of my new friends had met Seth yet and apparently were doubtful of his existence.
“He’s real,” I said with a sigh. “Seth is a fine man. He’s wonderful with Daniel and he’s extremely kind and good—and um, kind.”
“He’s ugly isn’t he?” Dwayne asked as he critically eyed the pictures of the cakes next to the picture of what I assumed was Essie’s dress. “Or he has a small man package.”
“Why would you say that?” I demanded.