“Dude, that is some screwed up shit,” Essie said as she stood up and began to pace. “So other than being a gaping murderous assmonkey, why does you sperm donor kill all your potential mates?”
“So the line ends,” I replied.
“Not following,” Essie said as she took the destroyed pillow from my hands and replaced it with a cast iron doorstop shaped like a duck.
“I’m the next in line and he doesn’t want me to rule.”
“But if he were to have a son doesn’t that trump your right to the throne?” Essie asked the appropriate question.
“I think so,” I said slowly wondering how much I should spill. Since I’d asked her to take her life into her own hands by raising my son upon the very real possibility of my demise, she deserved to know it all. “That would be true if my father was of the Royal House of Dragons, but he’s not. My mother was.”
“And that means you and Daniel are the rightful heirs. Actually the only heirs,” Essie finished the story.
The damn duck doorstop was indestructible. I needed to destroy something or set it on fire to keep talking. Realizing my need, Essie handed me a pile of Granny’s gossip magazines. I began to tear them to shreds.
“It gets even worse,” I admitted as I tore the glossy paper head off of Brad Pitt and several other movie stars I couldn’t place. “If I don’t mate before I turn 500, I die anyway. The Royal Dragon line comes with some screwed up perks. I have to kill my father before my birthday so Daniel is safe.”
“Holy Faye Dunaway with a truck load of wire hangers,” Dwayne gasped as he reentered the room with several gallons of ice cream and two bottles of wine. “We’ve got some problems here.”
“No,” I said as I wadded up the pages I’d torn apart and shook my head. “I have some problems. Not you. The only thing I ask is that if I die and my father still lives, you would keep my son safe. He’s the only thing in the world that means anything to me.”
I wasn’t used to asking for things. It was difficult and my pride was taking a beating, but my son was far more precious than my ego.
“Done,” Dwayne said without missing a beat. “I’m clearly outnumbered with eight daughters and I’ve always wanted a son. Being gay and dead it’s highly unlikely I’ll get an heir in the usual fashion. I have more homes than I even know about. I can keep him hidden for eternity and the Cows will spoil his little fire-ass rotten.”
Tears filled my eyes and I tried not to laugh at the thought of my son being raised by a gay Vampyre with eight adopted violent, yet sweet, Were Cow daughters but a small smile made its way to my trembling lips.
“I believe she asked me,” Essie corrected her BFF.
“Please,” Dwayne huffed. “You and Hank travel too much and if you become Council members it would be awfully hard to hide a Dragon.”
“You think you’re up to raising a preschool fire-breather, Bagina Man?” Essie inquired with a smirk.
“Yes, I do I Wipe My HooHoo with Poison Ivy,” he shot back.
“Thank you,” I said quietly, not quite believing my good fortune at finding this crazy crew.
“However,” Dwayne continued as he shoved a tub of ice cream into my hands and stabbed a spoon into it. “I say you’re not going to bite it. Are you into your gay boyfriend?”
“Um…” I started.
“We don’t know he’s gay,” Essie reminded him as she dug into her mint chocolate chip.
“This is true,” Dwayne agreed as he floated to the ceiling in excitement. “I will teach you how to seduce him. You’ll be mated by the end of the week. We can then go en masse to kill your bastardass father and be back in time for me to finish planning my wedding. It’s simple.”
“First of all it’s my wedding, you undead dork. And Dima needs no help in seducing anyone. She’s hotter than hell in a heat wave. Have you tried flashing some boob?” Essie asked as she pulled Dwayne off the chandelier.
“Yep,” I replied as they both gasped in shock.
“The boob failed?” Dwayne asked, dismayed.
“Yep.”
“He’s got to be gay,” Dwayne fretted. “Do you have anyone else in mind?”
“No,” I replied on a long sigh. “It’s kind of hard to find a Dragon when most of them know my father will try to kill them.”
“I can see how that might cause a few problems,” Essie said as she resumed her pacing. “You don’t need to mate with anyone to kill your dad. We just have to work fast. If he’s dead it will be far easier to find a freakin’ mate before you bite the big one. There are many ways to skin a cat or more accurately, kill a Dragon.”
“He has a rather large army of insane Dragons that would do anything for him,” I supplied as I pressed the bridge of my nose to alleviate the ice cream headache I’d just given myself or maybe it was Essie’s way with words.
“True, but we have Junior!” Essie clapped her hands and did a little dance around the still floating Dwayne.
“Your alpha?” I asked doubtfully.
Junior seemed like a great guy, but he was also clumsy and kind of a hot mess. His obsession with a gal named Sandy who wouldn’t give him the time of day was all he thought about. To me, he appeared to be a handsome good ole boy who ran a pack of Wolves.
“I know,” Essie cut me off before I could say anything else. “He’s all kinds of spectacularly unorganized, but the dude is MENSA.”