Oh, please, Paul said, leaning against the counter crossing his arms. It must be exhausting to keep up that unfailing act of pretending you wouldnt be with me right now if it wasnt for him.
Okay, that was one reply I was not expecting from him. It threw me and I lost whatever comment I was going to throw back in his face.
I thought Id made it clear to him that this kind of talk was off limits, but Paul was as persistent as he was direct and made an art form of âde an adX€forgetting certain requests of mine that didnt align with his goals. What are you doing here? I asked, playing ignorant of his last comment.
I needed to see you, he said, scanning the room with feigned interest. I needed to tel you something.
Wel , youve certainly seen me, I said, adjusting Josephs boxers lower so they covered more of my skin. Please, tel away.
He was staring at me again, eyes soft and smile amused from my attempts at sounding stern. He looked like he was in no hurry to divulge why he was here. He seemed perfectly content to lean against that counter and stare-slash-smile at me al night long. Problem was, I had somewhere else I wanted to be al night long.
Not to be rude, Paul, but if youve got nothing to say, Ive got to get going. Wil iams waiting” Just cool your jets for two minutes, Bryn, Paul interrupted, the corner of his mouth twitching. Im supremely aware that youd rather be with him than with me, but Il make it short.
That wil be the day, I mumbled. Short conversations and Paul Lowe were mutual y exclusive entities.
Wel , heres that day, he said, smiling tightly at me. Good. Bye. Bryn. That short enough for you?
Id heard him say it a hundred times before, maybe even a thousand with the way he made sure to let me know whenever he was leaving, even if it was just a trip downstairs, like it was his way of making sure he kept himself in the forefront of my mind. However, this time when he said it, there was something hopeless and final about it.
But since I was the master at jumping to the worst of conclusions, I let the new, more positive Bryn reply, Good-bye. Il see you tomorrow night. It sounded as unsure as I felt, but Paul wasnt known for his skil at picking up female nuances.
He rol ed his eyes at my attempts; so Id not been as subtle as Id thought. That good-bye I just issued was one of those final kinds. You should be jumping for joy right about now.
Okay, back it up, I said, inhaling. Why are you handing out final good-byes? It took a valiant effort to stay composed, to keep the emotions buried so I could approach this rational y, but I wouldnt be able to hold them down much longer.
His eyes cut through me. You know why.
Those were the three words that broke me. Tears stung the surface instantly. I know what you want, Paul, and I wish I could give it to you . . .”the first tear skied down my cheek”but I cant. I thought you knew that.
His face twisted as he watched another tear escape. Dont you think I know that? I tel my brain to get over you and it listens. I tel my heart the same and it laughs, he said, his voice tight. Do you think I like feeling this way? Watching you head-over-heels, hardcore, al -over in love with some other guy while I stand around like some pathetic loser, my life measured by each smile you send my way?
Paul, please, I said, close to begging. I knew Paul had felt something for me, but Id chosen to believe wed put that behind us, but he was choosing to put it very much before us again. I cant, you know I cant. If I could, I would, but I love him. Il always love him.
Something of a wince pul ed Pauls face tight. I hated hurting him, especial y when hed done nothing other than love me, but I knew the crueler of my two options with him would have been to string him along, to let him think there was hope in waiting in the wings.
That was a lost cause the day a certain Wil iam Hayward entered my life. Im so, so, so very sorry, I said, wishing I could erase myself from Pauls life so he wouldnt have to feel the pain I was watching play across his face. So he could go on with the rest of his eternity, making another woman happier than she ever thought she could be. I knew Paul would be that kind of companion, the one in a mil ion, but he wasnt meant for me. I wasnt meant for him.
I know, I know, he said, rushing towards me. He pul ed me into his arms, cinching them so tight around me it felt like he was trying to keep both of us from fal ing apart. Im not looking for an apology or an explanation or a pep talk. Im just putting it al out there because thats what I do. Im a lost cause for preserving my delicate male ego.
I sniffed, trying not to drench his shirt in tears and snot. More like a glutton for punishment.
He tucked his chin over my head, inhaling deeply. That too. But only for you.
Youre going to make a woman very happy one day, I said, letting him pul me tighter to him.
He humphed. Says the woman who wont ever be her.
What am I going to do without you dousing gut-wrenching guilt over me every day? I teased, feeling that the wave of emotions had crested.
Youre real y not going away are you?
He nodded into my head. As far as I can get.
Where? I asked, wiping my forearm over my eyes.
Wherever the airline ticket the Council approved for me says.
You havent looked yet? I asked, dumbfounded.
Nah, I wanted to see you first. Besides, theres nowhere worse they can send me than I can feel right now.
I laughed darkly. You do realize our Council has a twisted sense of humor, right? Who knows where you could end up?
Good point, he said, pul ing me back to him when I tried to weave out of our embrace.
I didnt fight him this time. It sounded like I wouldnt be fighting with him again for a long time. How long wil you be gone?